the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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