Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
