Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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