can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
