What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
