standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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