I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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