look no pants
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
