I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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