we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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