A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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