Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
