Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
