I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
