Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
time to smoke my breakfast
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
