there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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