New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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