just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
