i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
