just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Dear god my vagina.
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