I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
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I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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