So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
