I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
