You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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