youre lurking in front of me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
