I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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