he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I stole a fireplace last night.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize