Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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