I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
