I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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