I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Someone signed my nipple.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
