so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
