sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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