Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
