matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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