Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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