i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
