I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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