I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
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if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
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She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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