I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just want nice things and good sex
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
my liver is dry heaving
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
