Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i believe in u and ur pee
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
