Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
