I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
