The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
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