Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
