life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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