i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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