last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
