If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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