Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
