When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
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I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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