Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
