after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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