i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
