you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just high enough for therapy.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
