i was born a porn star she said
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
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My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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