I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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