If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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