one word: firstdatebathroomanal
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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