I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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