I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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