hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
