I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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